Self Esteem

I cant remember the first time i looked in the mirror and disliked what i saw.

I do remember comments about my big nose and short hair in elementary. Maybe it was a family member teaching me how to wash my face properly so it wouldn't look so "long" or my big brother singing songs about my short hair and calling me fat head...but i really dont remember the day that i decided that i was ugly, maybe it was gradual..

Like most children, i was bullied in school and I was made fun of by the boys at church.. i never really told my parents because i was too embarassed, besides, home was the only place i could be myself so why ruin it.. Even when we would travel to visit extended family i felt out of place.

When i think back on it im still sad. sometimes the thoughts brings me to tears, even now at 28. In elementary there were 3 girls that made it their goal to ruin my day, of course we were kids and i know now that they were most likely products of at home abuse, and their only outlet was on me. I never not wanted to go to school, i wasnt a great student, my grades always suffered because i was in my head most of the time, daydreaming. Daydreaming was my escape to bullying, it was like an out of body experience. I could sit through hour long classes and bus rides, while kids would pick me apart from head to toe..but i rarely heard them because i was deep in thought. My feelings were still hurt, but i accepted that i would be the butt of all jokes at the time.

there are 4 occasions when I couldn't escape the bullying though. these experiences penetrated my thoughts and no amount of daydreaming could of taken me away from the situations.
Ive never talked to anyone about these situations...but i figure if i put it here then i wont feel like im suppressing some painful secret anymore.

I am in tears just trying to type this,
One day my mom and i took a walk around the neighborhood. it was probably summer of fall because it was so nice outside. it was after dinner i think because the sun was getting ready to set. a beautiful evening hand in hand with my mom, it was one of the few times i got alone time with her and i loved out walks. We would talk about everything and it was those times i felt i could ask her personal questions about herself, or me.. i was never embarassed with her. WEll we rounded one corner and i recognized a couple of girls from school playing in their yards..i was a bit nervous but confident that they wouldnt try anything with my mom there... well they didnt... they send a little girl to stop us in the middle of the sidewalk to announce that i was ugly. " she told me to tell you that you are ugly" my mom pulled me away and we crossed the street.. I fought sooooo hard to hold the tears back.. i didnt want my mom to be embarassed that she had a ugly daughter.....
She noticed my discomfort and told me stories about times when she was uncomfortable because someone didnt like her.. i didnt feel any better..i figured that she never went through anything i was currently going through.

Another time it was my birthday and since ive never had a party, my mom decided that she would bake a cake and throw me a party. I was soooexcited! the teacher let me put my address on the board as a invitation to the class. So that weekend my mom baked cake and decorated the house, we bought coloring books and candy and crayons..the works! and i sat and waited for my classmates to come over and celebrate.. well time passed and noone came, but i was still pretty happy.. my mom played music and i was feeling good. then the 3 girls came over... i was a little nervous but i didn't really know what to expect. well mom fixed them cake and juice and set us up to color on the porch and play board games, i went inside to fill their drinks back up and when i returned to the porch they were gone.. and left a trail of cake and cups, paper,crayons, and candy all over the street... I was more embarassed that my mom would see than hurt. But my mom was good at helping me feel better. we cleaned up and went out to dinner. i didnt cry.

I cant even talk about the other 2 occasions.. maybe later...

Junior high was the worst, kids were getting bigger and fighting all the time. I had to fight a guy for bullying my friend, a girl jumped me in the locker room. but i was the quietest kid in class. why would anyone want to bother me...shrugs but jr high was also the time when the girls started to develop and dress nicer and get their hair done. I didnt do any of that, by then i was content with being the ugly one with the big feet and ratty clothes. so why try to be pretty? its not like my mom didnt try to put me in nice clothes. She would give me magazines and ask me to pick out outfits, send me to get my hair done ( Hairdressers didnt know what to do with my natural hair so they usually just conditioned it and sent me on my way.) My self esteem was soo low that i didnt want to try to look good. I saw myself as ugly, and i didnt know how to make myself look better. I felt that hiding behind makeup and clothes wouldn't work because i felt ugly on the inside too.

So freshmen year of highschool comes around and i am so happy to get out of jr high. 9th grade was confusing. everything was confusing. I was getting a mixture of attention and bullying from guys. the girls were too concerned with the guys to care. The attention was mostly sexual.. i was happy to get any attention though.. now i understand why girls with low self esteem have sex so early.. my best friend at the time was well into it. i wasnt having sex because the attention i was getting was opposite from what i daydreamed about.. love songs and romantic movies were totally opposite from highschool. well i didnt fall for the sexual attention and luckly i was transfered to a college prep school where the students were a little less rowdy and oversexed.. just a little.

There were a few times when guys would try to feel me up. I told myself that they were just being nice, that they didnt really want to touch me, but since they were feeling up every other girl, then they might as well throw me in the mix. I also thought something was wrong with the guys that approached me. like they couldn't see me clearly or something. I didnt feel sexy or beautiful.. i hated being called sexy, it just means they want to have sex with me. but not one guy called me beautiful..

I really feel that the only thing that saved my self esteem was going to college. I felt like i could be myself because i was away from the neighborhood i grew up in. it was the only thing that saved me. Maybe ill talk about my college experience in another blog.

Today, sometimes i struggle with compliments, I dont think im hideous, but i wont join a modeling acadmedy either. I rarely think about how i look really. I dont go above and beyond trying to cover my blemishes with makeup or hide my hair under weave.. i am comfortable with how i look. There are things about me that i love, like how i look alot like my parents, my eyes, my elelashes and the little dots on my face. I like my body and my toes. or course there are things i dont like but i try not to dwell.. a guy wount do a double take when he sees me, but the guys who have gotten to know me really like me... and i like me