I cant remember the first time i looked in the mirror and disliked what i saw.
I do remember comments about my big nose and short hair in elementary. Maybe it was a family member teaching me how to wash my face properly so it wouldn't look so "long" or my big brother singing songs about my short hair and calling me fat head...but i really dont remember the day that i decided that i was ugly, maybe it was gradual..
Like most children, i was bullied in school and I was made fun of by the boys at church.. i never really told my parents because i was too embarassed, besides, home was the only place i could be myself so why ruin it.. Even when we would travel to visit extended family i felt out of place.
When i think back on it im still sad. sometimes the thoughts brings me to tears, even now at 28. In elementary there were 3 girls that made it their goal to ruin my day, of course we were kids and i know now that they were most likely products of at home abuse, and their only outlet was on me. I never not wanted to go to school, i wasnt a great student, my grades always suffered because i was in my head most of the time, daydreaming. Daydreaming was my escape to bullying, it was like an out of body experience. I could sit through hour long classes and bus rides, while kids would pick me apart from head to toe..but i rarely heard them because i was deep in thought. My feelings were still hurt, but i accepted that i would be the butt of all jokes at the time.
there are 4 occasions when I couldn't escape the bullying though. these experiences penetrated my thoughts and no amount of daydreaming could of taken me away from the situations.
Ive never talked to anyone about these situations...but i figure if i put it here then i wont feel like im suppressing some painful secret anymore.
I am in tears just trying to type this,
One day my mom and i took a walk around the neighborhood. it was probably summer of fall because it was so nice outside. it was after dinner i think because the sun was getting ready to set. a beautiful evening hand in hand with my mom, it was one of the few times i got alone time with her and i loved out walks. We would talk about everything and it was those times i felt i could ask her personal questions about herself, or me.. i was never embarassed with her. WEll we rounded one corner and i recognized a couple of girls from school playing in their yards..i was a bit nervous but confident that they wouldnt try anything with my mom there... well they didnt... they send a little girl to stop us in the middle of the sidewalk to announce that i was ugly. " she told me to tell you that you are ugly" my mom pulled me away and we crossed the street.. I fought sooooo hard to hold the tears back.. i didnt want my mom to be embarassed that she had a ugly daughter.....
She noticed my discomfort and told me stories about times when she was uncomfortable because someone didnt like her.. i didnt feel any better..i figured that she never went through anything i was currently going through.
Another time it was my birthday and since ive never had a party, my mom decided that she would bake a cake and throw me a party. I was soooexcited! the teacher let me put my address on the board as a invitation to the class. So that weekend my mom baked cake and decorated the house, we bought coloring books and candy and crayons..the works! and i sat and waited for my classmates to come over and celebrate.. well time passed and noone came, but i was still pretty happy.. my mom played music and i was feeling good. then the 3 girls came over... i was a little nervous but i didn't really know what to expect. well mom fixed them cake and juice and set us up to color on the porch and play board games, i went inside to fill their drinks back up and when i returned to the porch they were gone.. and left a trail of cake and cups, paper,crayons, and candy all over the street... I was more embarassed that my mom would see than hurt. But my mom was good at helping me feel better. we cleaned up and went out to dinner. i didnt cry.
I cant even talk about the other 2 occasions.. maybe later...
Junior high was the worst, kids were getting bigger and fighting all the time. I had to fight a guy for bullying my friend, a girl jumped me in the locker room. but i was the quietest kid in class. why would anyone want to bother me...shrugs but jr high was also the time when the girls started to develop and dress nicer and get their hair done. I didnt do any of that, by then i was content with being the ugly one with the big feet and ratty clothes. so why try to be pretty? its not like my mom didnt try to put me in nice clothes. She would give me magazines and ask me to pick out outfits, send me to get my hair done ( Hairdressers didnt know what to do with my natural hair so they usually just conditioned it and sent me on my way.) My self esteem was soo low that i didnt want to try to look good. I saw myself as ugly, and i didnt know how to make myself look better. I felt that hiding behind makeup and clothes wouldn't work because i felt ugly on the inside too.
So freshmen year of highschool comes around and i am so happy to get out of jr high. 9th grade was confusing. everything was confusing. I was getting a mixture of attention and bullying from guys. the girls were too concerned with the guys to care. The attention was mostly sexual.. i was happy to get any attention though.. now i understand why girls with low self esteem have sex so early.. my best friend at the time was well into it. i wasnt having sex because the attention i was getting was opposite from what i daydreamed about.. love songs and romantic movies were totally opposite from highschool. well i didnt fall for the sexual attention and luckly i was transfered to a college prep school where the students were a little less rowdy and oversexed.. just a little.
There were a few times when guys would try to feel me up. I told myself that they were just being nice, that they didnt really want to touch me, but since they were feeling up every other girl, then they might as well throw me in the mix. I also thought something was wrong with the guys that approached me. like they couldn't see me clearly or something. I didnt feel sexy or beautiful.. i hated being called sexy, it just means they want to have sex with me. but not one guy called me beautiful..
I really feel that the only thing that saved my self esteem was going to college. I felt like i could be myself because i was away from the neighborhood i grew up in. it was the only thing that saved me. Maybe ill talk about my college experience in another blog.
Today, sometimes i struggle with compliments, I dont think im hideous, but i wont join a modeling acadmedy either. I rarely think about how i look really. I dont go above and beyond trying to cover my blemishes with makeup or hide my hair under weave.. i am comfortable with how i look. There are things about me that i love, like how i look alot like my parents, my eyes, my elelashes and the little dots on my face. I like my body and my toes. or course there are things i dont like but i try not to dwell.. a guy wount do a double take when he sees me, but the guys who have gotten to know me really like me... and i like me
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
angry, disappointed, tired
Im Angry,
Im usually a pretty happy person. but tonight..im angry and since everything has built up to the point where i cant sleep or eat. ill blog.
im angry because Im stuck in a city i hate, where segregation is accepted and most of the black folk are brainwashed to be apathetic.
Because this is the city where My father and i came in hopes of a better life...My father is dead now. and i was let go from my dream job.
Because i cant be vunerable to anyone, because misery loves company and the miserable people here would love if i am too so they can suck me into their black hole so they can feel like a bettter friend.
because i have to act like i have it all together so ppl dont see my weakness and feel satisfied that they arent the only fuck ups.
Because my only good friend out here is depressed, and i cant do anything about it.
Because my ex left me and married a clone of me.
and now i pick arguments with the guy i like, because i want him to be more like my ex. and i cant understand why i do it.
Because my mom is getting older and i dont think i can stand to loose another parent.
Because i dont have the energy to do anyting with my home biz. im sleepy or tired all the time as soon as i walk in the door.
.....Im disappointed
in men... and i dont want to be. but its like defending someone that you want to believe is innocent, but everyday proves you wrong.
in christianity, because it just isnt holding water to me anymore.
in good relationships.
in myself..
........Im tired
of being the only optimistic one
of being tired
of this messy apartment
of these wierd dreams
of being different. if i could only make myself think like everyone else and fall in line, life would be much easier. i could be blissful in my ignorance and focus on weave, sex, and going to the club.
Im usually a pretty happy person. but tonight..im angry and since everything has built up to the point where i cant sleep or eat. ill blog.
im angry because Im stuck in a city i hate, where segregation is accepted and most of the black folk are brainwashed to be apathetic.
Because this is the city where My father and i came in hopes of a better life...My father is dead now. and i was let go from my dream job.
Because i cant be vunerable to anyone, because misery loves company and the miserable people here would love if i am too so they can suck me into their black hole so they can feel like a bettter friend.
because i have to act like i have it all together so ppl dont see my weakness and feel satisfied that they arent the only fuck ups.
Because my only good friend out here is depressed, and i cant do anything about it.
Because my ex left me and married a clone of me.
and now i pick arguments with the guy i like, because i want him to be more like my ex. and i cant understand why i do it.
Because my mom is getting older and i dont think i can stand to loose another parent.
Because i dont have the energy to do anyting with my home biz. im sleepy or tired all the time as soon as i walk in the door.
.....Im disappointed
in men... and i dont want to be. but its like defending someone that you want to believe is innocent, but everyday proves you wrong.
in christianity, because it just isnt holding water to me anymore.
in good relationships.
in myself..
........Im tired
of being the only optimistic one
of being tired
of this messy apartment
of these wierd dreams
of being different. if i could only make myself think like everyone else and fall in line, life would be much easier. i could be blissful in my ignorance and focus on weave, sex, and going to the club.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
jan-feb goals
My January new years resolution was to start this semester of graduate school.. COMPLETED! Lol I am in school and getting back into the swing of things. It’s looking good I just have to get a schedule together so I can juggle everything…
February: this month started out kind of rocky since I didn’t know it was February till I looked at the calendar and it was already the 4th !! My goal this month was to make a schedule I can live with. I already live by a schedule but it really needs tweaking since I have a lot on my plate now. So this week, in my free time I made a list of all the important things I do in a week (school, work, laundry, business stuff, ect…) and listed what days these need to be done (of course work is every day, but school is Mon, WED… laundry is Sunday ect…) I'm planning on working my business at least 9 hours a week for now and when I get to the point where I have to add extra hours I will tweak it.. I figure my schedule will always be “in progress” because there will always be something added or taken away from my day ( I don’t plan on being at school for the rest of my life!) and of course I need a hour a week to update my blog! So far my school days look something like this:
5AM- Wake up
6am-2:30- Work
4-7:15- School
8-9pm- Home and start dinner
9-10- Dinner and review notes
10-11- Bedtime
This is pretty okay for me.. Of course I have a list of things I need to do when I wake up and for bedtime.. I got the inspiration here the days that I don’t have school I spend the time after eating dinner studying until 9 and then working on business for a hour and preparing for bed at the same time every other day.. my non-school day schedule looks like this:
7am- Wake up
8-4:30- Work
5-6pm- Home and prep dinner
6-7pm- Dinner and relax
7-9- Study
9-10- Business
10-11- bedtime
....All I need now is to have the discipline to do all of these things!!!
Coming soon- March: Starting my business
February: this month started out kind of rocky since I didn’t know it was February till I looked at the calendar and it was already the 4th !! My goal this month was to make a schedule I can live with. I already live by a schedule but it really needs tweaking since I have a lot on my plate now. So this week, in my free time I made a list of all the important things I do in a week (school, work, laundry, business stuff, ect…) and listed what days these need to be done (of course work is every day, but school is Mon, WED… laundry is Sunday ect…) I'm planning on working my business at least 9 hours a week for now and when I get to the point where I have to add extra hours I will tweak it.. I figure my schedule will always be “in progress” because there will always be something added or taken away from my day ( I don’t plan on being at school for the rest of my life!) and of course I need a hour a week to update my blog! So far my school days look something like this:
5AM- Wake up
6am-2:30- Work
4-7:15- School
8-9pm- Home and start dinner
9-10- Dinner and review notes
10-11- Bedtime
This is pretty okay for me.. Of course I have a list of things I need to do when I wake up and for bedtime.. I got the inspiration here the days that I don’t have school I spend the time after eating dinner studying until 9 and then working on business for a hour and preparing for bed at the same time every other day.. my non-school day schedule looks like this:
7am- Wake up
8-4:30- Work
5-6pm- Home and prep dinner
6-7pm- Dinner and relax
7-9- Study
9-10- Business
10-11- bedtime
....All I need now is to have the discipline to do all of these things!!!
Coming soon- March: Starting my business
Friday, January 29, 2010
12 steps to a better Aletha... ( as if i wasn't already the greatest!:))
Last year I had a long list of things I am NOT doing for the New Year and it went pretty okay. I loved that I could look back and see what my goals were and my progress but remembering to do all those things was pretty hard. Especially with everything else I have to do in a day!
So this year I am deciding to focus on one thing a month, a total of 12 things… 12 steps to a better Aletha! Now I know some of the bigger goals I won’t accomplish in just month but I will start it and carry it on.. At least to start my focus on it for the month and get into the habit of thinking about it every day. This is going to be a year long journey to a better me.. I like myself already but it don’t hurt to add frosting to the cake…
January: I will start Graduate school: this includes enrolling, registering, fin aid and attending classes.
Horray for me! I am enrolled and registered and attending classes.. Adv thermodynamics and FDA regulation of Medical devices. School has been in session for about 2 weeks now and I am getting back into the routine of studying and doing homework. I just have to juggle school and work.. But people go to school, work AND have kids (like my mom did).. So no complaining for me! Which brings me to next month…
February: I will have a good schedule written out and followed by the end of this month. Because I have work, school and one goal a month to accomplish (not to mention washing dishes and doing laundry!!) I need a good schedule to follow so I don’t spend my days zoning out and then wondering what happened to the day. I am a list person so this is going to be a pretty easy task. I already go by a schedule but it really needs tweaking.. I will make sure to share!!!
March: because I will have a stellar schedule planned out, I will be able to add one more thing to the pot! Starting my business.. I've already started the preliminaries but I will need a timeline, business coach and a whole lot more.. This will be the month I take the time out to do these things.. Of course I won’t accomplish all these things in one month but at least I can get started with the good foundation I already have in place! I’m giving myself to the end on 2010 to launch and this will be a good month to start.
April: April showers bring May flowers?...nope!! In Cleveland there is still snow on the ground in April but that is okay. Spring and summer are just around the corner and hopefully I would have survived a semester of classes AND started in the right direction with my business.. Time to reward myself! And how will I reward myself you ask? SHOPPING! Well, not a shopping spree but I will definitely take the time to incorporate a few quality pieces to my wardrobe. This month I am going to focus on my appearance and stop dressing like a “Senior year engineering student” lol.. First thing.. Buy jeans that fit!
May: happy Birthday to mee!!! I will be a whole 28 years old and since I am already furthering my education, starting a business AND dressing SHARP, I am pretty sure I will have a full plate… OF CAKE!! YAYAY this month I am going to learn how to bake a cake from scratch.. From the eggs to the icing. And please believe that I will document the whole process so you can learn with me!
June: Another season coming to a end… this is the 6 month mark.. And in Cleveland it will probably be nice and sunny outside. I will need to make a conscious effort to save up money so I can travel this month. I will either be taking summer classes or just taking it easy this month but never the less, I will make time to see my family and friends. I <3 yall and life is too short to not have fun..
July: July 1st is my father’s birthday and it might be pretty rough for me so I will spend it with my mom in Cincinnati. Well I traveled and spent all my money. Time to be a bit more responsible and start paying my bills. I need to get my credit score and report so I can see what is going on. If I want to be a responsible woman I need to be debt free! Or at least working my way to it!
August: Now that all my bills are squared away and I am a step closer to financial responsibility I will ruin it by buying furniture for my apartment. Ok ok so I know this was on my last year resolution list but give me a break!
September: Whew making 12 goals is HARD work! I actually have to do all this?? Maybe by now I would of just forgotten this whole ordeal and went back to my random life.. But being the stubborn Taurus I am, I will prolly be too stubborn to quit.. So here I am.. A whole 8 months into my 12 step program. It’s impossible to look into the future and know where I will be or what I will be doing. I can only wonder and hope that the future Aletha is happy and satisfied with her decisions throughout the journey because in reality.. This is just the first chapter to the rest of my life. Speaking of the rest of my life, it’s time to do some Goal setting.. Where do I want to be 5 or 10 years from now? I need to write these things out and start claiming greatness! Since my father passed, the future has been scary to me because I don’t have control over the inevitable. I just want to be strong enough to handle whatever comes my way
October: I am pretty sure I'm still in Cleveland and I’m pretty sure it’s snowing AGAIN UGH!.. I need to learn to love snow.. or at least Like it!! It’s too cold to be outside!! so it’s time to start planning again lol I should have a grip on my daily activities by now.. so I am going to torture myself and add something else to at least start on.. I want there to be a Nobcche chapter in Cleveland… At the very least I want a job bank and virtual meeting so I can keep all the professional chemist and chemical engineers abreast on what is going on as far as science in the world.. and keep them updated on conferences and opportunities to make themselves better leaders. And networking is always a plus.
November: My mom and brothers birthday is this month! Horray to another year! This month is about relationships and being a better friend, daughter and sister (hopefully I'm not a mother by now!! *faint*) since I was 17 I've been on the move so I always made new friends and now I have a circle of terrific friends that I absolutely love… I really mean it.. I LOVE my friends. I don’t know how I would ever make it without a random phone call from one of them asking where I am and scolding me for not calling the past week.. yall really keep me in check. And I appreciate that.
December: It’s the end of the year. Hopefully I would of grown so much by now and actually did the things I set out to do this year.. I anticipate this month being a rough one for me since my father passed this month.. Because of that, I will be wherever my mother is around the 17th. I know I am going to cry, I'm crying right now just thinking about it. And because of the stress, tears and confusion I went through last year at this time, my goal this month is simple.. to play like a kid every single day. I don’t care if there is a Final exam coming up that I have to study for.. life is too short and I realize that now. My ex told me “my happiness is paramount” and I totally understand that now.. I would rather live my life happy than live struggling to keep my head above water. My father was the strongest man I knew and he fought to stay alive, all the way to his last breath he fought to keep his eyes open.. in memory of him I am going to fight too.. to be the happiest person I can be.. no one, no class, no job, no dollar is going to take that from me and I will fight to make sure of it.
And when this year is all said and done. I am going to Praise God and be thankful for this journey.. 100 more years left.
Aletha Kay Scott
So this year I am deciding to focus on one thing a month, a total of 12 things… 12 steps to a better Aletha! Now I know some of the bigger goals I won’t accomplish in just month but I will start it and carry it on.. At least to start my focus on it for the month and get into the habit of thinking about it every day. This is going to be a year long journey to a better me.. I like myself already but it don’t hurt to add frosting to the cake…
January: I will start Graduate school: this includes enrolling, registering, fin aid and attending classes.
Horray for me! I am enrolled and registered and attending classes.. Adv thermodynamics and FDA regulation of Medical devices. School has been in session for about 2 weeks now and I am getting back into the routine of studying and doing homework. I just have to juggle school and work.. But people go to school, work AND have kids (like my mom did).. So no complaining for me! Which brings me to next month…
February: I will have a good schedule written out and followed by the end of this month. Because I have work, school and one goal a month to accomplish (not to mention washing dishes and doing laundry!!) I need a good schedule to follow so I don’t spend my days zoning out and then wondering what happened to the day. I am a list person so this is going to be a pretty easy task. I already go by a schedule but it really needs tweaking.. I will make sure to share!!!
March: because I will have a stellar schedule planned out, I will be able to add one more thing to the pot! Starting my business.. I've already started the preliminaries but I will need a timeline, business coach and a whole lot more.. This will be the month I take the time out to do these things.. Of course I won’t accomplish all these things in one month but at least I can get started with the good foundation I already have in place! I’m giving myself to the end on 2010 to launch and this will be a good month to start.
April: April showers bring May flowers?...nope!! In Cleveland there is still snow on the ground in April but that is okay. Spring and summer are just around the corner and hopefully I would have survived a semester of classes AND started in the right direction with my business.. Time to reward myself! And how will I reward myself you ask? SHOPPING! Well, not a shopping spree but I will definitely take the time to incorporate a few quality pieces to my wardrobe. This month I am going to focus on my appearance and stop dressing like a “Senior year engineering student” lol.. First thing.. Buy jeans that fit!
May: happy Birthday to mee!!! I will be a whole 28 years old and since I am already furthering my education, starting a business AND dressing SHARP, I am pretty sure I will have a full plate… OF CAKE!! YAYAY this month I am going to learn how to bake a cake from scratch.. From the eggs to the icing. And please believe that I will document the whole process so you can learn with me!
June: Another season coming to a end… this is the 6 month mark.. And in Cleveland it will probably be nice and sunny outside. I will need to make a conscious effort to save up money so I can travel this month. I will either be taking summer classes or just taking it easy this month but never the less, I will make time to see my family and friends. I <3 yall and life is too short to not have fun..
July: July 1st is my father’s birthday and it might be pretty rough for me so I will spend it with my mom in Cincinnati. Well I traveled and spent all my money. Time to be a bit more responsible and start paying my bills. I need to get my credit score and report so I can see what is going on. If I want to be a responsible woman I need to be debt free! Or at least working my way to it!
August: Now that all my bills are squared away and I am a step closer to financial responsibility I will ruin it by buying furniture for my apartment. Ok ok so I know this was on my last year resolution list but give me a break!
September: Whew making 12 goals is HARD work! I actually have to do all this?? Maybe by now I would of just forgotten this whole ordeal and went back to my random life.. But being the stubborn Taurus I am, I will prolly be too stubborn to quit.. So here I am.. A whole 8 months into my 12 step program. It’s impossible to look into the future and know where I will be or what I will be doing. I can only wonder and hope that the future Aletha is happy and satisfied with her decisions throughout the journey because in reality.. This is just the first chapter to the rest of my life. Speaking of the rest of my life, it’s time to do some Goal setting.. Where do I want to be 5 or 10 years from now? I need to write these things out and start claiming greatness! Since my father passed, the future has been scary to me because I don’t have control over the inevitable. I just want to be strong enough to handle whatever comes my way
October: I am pretty sure I'm still in Cleveland and I’m pretty sure it’s snowing AGAIN UGH!.. I need to learn to love snow.. or at least Like it!! It’s too cold to be outside!! so it’s time to start planning again lol I should have a grip on my daily activities by now.. so I am going to torture myself and add something else to at least start on.. I want there to be a Nobcche chapter in Cleveland… At the very least I want a job bank and virtual meeting so I can keep all the professional chemist and chemical engineers abreast on what is going on as far as science in the world.. and keep them updated on conferences and opportunities to make themselves better leaders. And networking is always a plus.
November: My mom and brothers birthday is this month! Horray to another year! This month is about relationships and being a better friend, daughter and sister (hopefully I'm not a mother by now!! *faint*) since I was 17 I've been on the move so I always made new friends and now I have a circle of terrific friends that I absolutely love… I really mean it.. I LOVE my friends. I don’t know how I would ever make it without a random phone call from one of them asking where I am and scolding me for not calling the past week.. yall really keep me in check. And I appreciate that.
December: It’s the end of the year. Hopefully I would of grown so much by now and actually did the things I set out to do this year.. I anticipate this month being a rough one for me since my father passed this month.. Because of that, I will be wherever my mother is around the 17th. I know I am going to cry, I'm crying right now just thinking about it. And because of the stress, tears and confusion I went through last year at this time, my goal this month is simple.. to play like a kid every single day. I don’t care if there is a Final exam coming up that I have to study for.. life is too short and I realize that now. My ex told me “my happiness is paramount” and I totally understand that now.. I would rather live my life happy than live struggling to keep my head above water. My father was the strongest man I knew and he fought to stay alive, all the way to his last breath he fought to keep his eyes open.. in memory of him I am going to fight too.. to be the happiest person I can be.. no one, no class, no job, no dollar is going to take that from me and I will fight to make sure of it.
And when this year is all said and done. I am going to Praise God and be thankful for this journey.. 100 more years left.
Aletha Kay Scott
Friday, January 1, 2010
My NOT to do list for 2009
So a whole year passed by.. that was quick!!!
here is how i did...
first and foremost i said i will do something everyday to make myself happy... and guess what.. im happy lol so everyday ive done something even if it was just playing music and dancing in my room.. EVERYDAY ive done something to make myself smile....
1. I won’t let negative people ruin my day.. as a matter of fact I will eliminate all the negative people out of my life.. I started this in 2008 but clearly it takes longer than a year to purge the rotten apples…
6 month mark.. So far so good! and its funny because i havent had to do any work...people just eliminate themselves on their own stupidness!.. thank goodness because im am so nonconfrontational..
one year later..i think this is something that always needs to be on the list. since you meet people everyday you constantly have to prune growing relationships.. but i have learned to notice a bad relationship before it goes too far for it to hurt when cut off!
2. I wont worry about the things I cant control…ill just pray about it and let it go.
I struggled a little with this one because i still have a strong hold on my life.. like im the God of me or something LOL But slowly surely!! we will see where i am at the end of the year!
one year later..ok so God must of known that i was struggling with this because he (or she) decided that he will make sure i had no control over the events that happened in 09.. i had no control and i couldnt even begin to gain control.. i just had to trust that God will make it alright.. i think ive grown alot in this area.. i give myself a B+
3. I wont worry about how I affect other peoples self esteem…ive been doing this since I was a child.. I make myself appear not as smart or pretty so that people wont hate on me… yes im smart, pretty, and I make more money then you..get over it
Thank goodness this is on the list because i have been doing just that! I feel so much better about myself and my self esteem is right where it should be.... yall should try this
one year later...i havent really had a problem with this till towards the end of the year when someone close to me said i think im better than him... that really hurt and made me go back into my shell.. ive never put myself above anyone..ever.. if anything i see myself on the same level as everyone else and i will never lower someones self esteem for my own satisfaction...major setback for me.. this will be on the 2010 list too :(
4. I wont keep myself from buying pretty things for my apartment because I think ill be moving soon… lol im a weirdo.. no furniture and ive been in Cleveland a year and a half.. but for some reason I convince myself to not buy stuff cuz I think ill move tomorrow..
ok....shame on me... my apartment is still empty.. i still feel like ill move any second!!! Gesh! i dont even knwo what to do about it... lawd a mercy!
one year later.. ok so i moved in a really nice apartment last month and ive decided ill buy furniture.. ive already hung pictures and bought things.. im finally getting there yall! YAY A+ for meee
5. I wont eat out every freakin day.. I love restaurants but this girl can cook!!! Might as well take advantage of it
I LOVE my cooking.. i am eating sooo good and loosing weight at the same time.. and those of you who know me know i am seriously ANTI DIET but u know what? for me cooking helps me stay healthier.. and i have this great cook book... AND I AM WAITING ON A CERTAIN SOMEONE TO GIVE ME RECIPIES LOL
one year later.. ok i have really grown in this area.. i cook so much that i barely eat out! and i even have a blog with recipies!! http://thethickvegetarian.blogspot.com/ OW!!!
6. I wont neglect friends…I love yall.. I told one friend “ Im not always around.. but im here for you always” and its true I may not know where my phone is when u call but if I get a text/voicemail saying u need me I am there! but i know I need to do better which leads me to my next one..
okay i wont say i am all the way there with this one but i am doing alot better than before..Ive hung out with my friends i even visited a friend all the way in iowa! but thank heavens for text messaging!!!
one year later...i cant say that ive done great but ive given it a good try.. ill need my friends to comment on this one so i know how i did.. you can be honest!!
7. I wont “hibernate” anymore…… I am good for disappearing for months at a time and then popping up like nothing happened… mostly because I need time for myself and then I get overindulgent .. its not my fault I like ME!! But ill do better in 09
I can say i havent been in hibernation mode this year! YAY but i have been ejoying my ME TIME a whole lot.. but i love my friends and will never pass up a chance to hang out.
one year later... this is so funny because i am currently in HIBERNATION!!!! Shame on me!!!!! and i cant even think of an excuse.. and what makes it even worse... i dont even feel bad about it!!
8. I wont be scared to do things that will take me out of my comfort zone… like start that nobcche chapter in Cleveland….i hate talking in front of people!!!
okay shame on me but i have been DEEP in my comfort zone alll year!!! sigh... let me get it together.... and i know i need to do this because cleveland needs it... even thinking of it makes me nervous!!! geez!
ahhh i forgot about this oneeee!!!!!!....damn its been a whole year already??.. ok okok ill get it together in 2010.. I PROMISE!
9. I wont obsess about how I will fit everything I want to do in my life before I die… babies, nobel prize, buy a house, start a business, fall in love…. And the incan calendar ended in 2012!? yikes!!!
Okay i havent really worried about this stuff anymore.. I am just enjoying my life and trusting that God will fit the pieces together as i go along.. the thought still kinda freaks me out tho.. but im not gona think about it * shakes head* no no no
one year later... major set back for this one... my dad passed away 2 weeks ago and all i can think about is how i didnt have kids and i didnt get married so he can walk me down the isle..i know he was very proud of me but ...sigh..
10. I wont take myself so seriously… life is too short…see ,there I go again
Whoot WHoot! i play everyday!!!
one year later...i partied pretty hard in 09.. lol!!
~Aletha
here is how i did...
first and foremost i said i will do something everyday to make myself happy... and guess what.. im happy lol so everyday ive done something even if it was just playing music and dancing in my room.. EVERYDAY ive done something to make myself smile....
1. I won’t let negative people ruin my day.. as a matter of fact I will eliminate all the negative people out of my life.. I started this in 2008 but clearly it takes longer than a year to purge the rotten apples…
6 month mark.. So far so good! and its funny because i havent had to do any work...people just eliminate themselves on their own stupidness!.. thank goodness because im am so nonconfrontational..
one year later..i think this is something that always needs to be on the list. since you meet people everyday you constantly have to prune growing relationships.. but i have learned to notice a bad relationship before it goes too far for it to hurt when cut off!
2. I wont worry about the things I cant control…ill just pray about it and let it go.
I struggled a little with this one because i still have a strong hold on my life.. like im the God of me or something LOL But slowly surely!! we will see where i am at the end of the year!
one year later..ok so God must of known that i was struggling with this because he (or she) decided that he will make sure i had no control over the events that happened in 09.. i had no control and i couldnt even begin to gain control.. i just had to trust that God will make it alright.. i think ive grown alot in this area.. i give myself a B+
3. I wont worry about how I affect other peoples self esteem…ive been doing this since I was a child.. I make myself appear not as smart or pretty so that people wont hate on me… yes im smart, pretty, and I make more money then you..get over it
Thank goodness this is on the list because i have been doing just that! I feel so much better about myself and my self esteem is right where it should be.... yall should try this
one year later...i havent really had a problem with this till towards the end of the year when someone close to me said i think im better than him... that really hurt and made me go back into my shell.. ive never put myself above anyone..ever.. if anything i see myself on the same level as everyone else and i will never lower someones self esteem for my own satisfaction...major setback for me.. this will be on the 2010 list too :(
4. I wont keep myself from buying pretty things for my apartment because I think ill be moving soon… lol im a weirdo.. no furniture and ive been in Cleveland a year and a half.. but for some reason I convince myself to not buy stuff cuz I think ill move tomorrow..
ok....shame on me... my apartment is still empty.. i still feel like ill move any second!!! Gesh! i dont even knwo what to do about it... lawd a mercy!
one year later.. ok so i moved in a really nice apartment last month and ive decided ill buy furniture.. ive already hung pictures and bought things.. im finally getting there yall! YAY A+ for meee
5. I wont eat out every freakin day.. I love restaurants but this girl can cook!!! Might as well take advantage of it
I LOVE my cooking.. i am eating sooo good and loosing weight at the same time.. and those of you who know me know i am seriously ANTI DIET but u know what? for me cooking helps me stay healthier.. and i have this great cook book... AND I AM WAITING ON A CERTAIN SOMEONE TO GIVE ME RECIPIES LOL
one year later.. ok i have really grown in this area.. i cook so much that i barely eat out! and i even have a blog with recipies!! http://thethickvegetarian.blogspot.com/ OW!!!
6. I wont neglect friends…I love yall.. I told one friend “ Im not always around.. but im here for you always” and its true I may not know where my phone is when u call but if I get a text/voicemail saying u need me I am there! but i know I need to do better which leads me to my next one..
okay i wont say i am all the way there with this one but i am doing alot better than before..Ive hung out with my friends i even visited a friend all the way in iowa! but thank heavens for text messaging!!!
one year later...i cant say that ive done great but ive given it a good try.. ill need my friends to comment on this one so i know how i did.. you can be honest!!
7. I wont “hibernate” anymore…… I am good for disappearing for months at a time and then popping up like nothing happened… mostly because I need time for myself and then I get overindulgent .. its not my fault I like ME!! But ill do better in 09
I can say i havent been in hibernation mode this year! YAY but i have been ejoying my ME TIME a whole lot.. but i love my friends and will never pass up a chance to hang out.
one year later... this is so funny because i am currently in HIBERNATION!!!! Shame on me!!!!! and i cant even think of an excuse.. and what makes it even worse... i dont even feel bad about it!!
8. I wont be scared to do things that will take me out of my comfort zone… like start that nobcche chapter in Cleveland….i hate talking in front of people!!!
okay shame on me but i have been DEEP in my comfort zone alll year!!! sigh... let me get it together.... and i know i need to do this because cleveland needs it... even thinking of it makes me nervous!!! geez!
ahhh i forgot about this oneeee!!!!!!....damn its been a whole year already??.. ok okok ill get it together in 2010.. I PROMISE!
9. I wont obsess about how I will fit everything I want to do in my life before I die… babies, nobel prize, buy a house, start a business, fall in love…. And the incan calendar ended in 2012!? yikes!!!
Okay i havent really worried about this stuff anymore.. I am just enjoying my life and trusting that God will fit the pieces together as i go along.. the thought still kinda freaks me out tho.. but im not gona think about it * shakes head* no no no
one year later... major set back for this one... my dad passed away 2 weeks ago and all i can think about is how i didnt have kids and i didnt get married so he can walk me down the isle..i know he was very proud of me but ...sigh..
10. I wont take myself so seriously… life is too short…see ,there I go again
Whoot WHoot! i play everyday!!!
one year later...i partied pretty hard in 09.. lol!!
~Aletha
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Colorgenitics results
SO I stumbled across this site that can tell you about yourself just by clicking colors in order of preference... my results were pretty accurate LOL.. its funny because the results of most tests i take i am usually very happy and poeple love me ....which is true..... this one apparently tells me i am in some kind of turmoil.....which is true....
but check it out
http://www.goldinuniverse.com/ <~~ yea its like that untill i can figure out how to make a link
Name: Aletha
Date: 8/22/2009
Colorgenics Number: 62541307
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You are under considerable stress and you are almost about to 'blow your top' but you are fortunate enough to be able to exert control. Control is the name of the game and it is so good to realise that whatever the situation may be a this time - it will pass. You need to get away from everything for a while and if you do, you will find that, strangely enough, it will seem that most of your problems and situations will seem to wash away, just as the sea may wash away 'footprints' in the sand.
You are looking for something different. Your imagination has been working overtime and you are seeking adventure - and you'd like to share that adventure, the new experience, with someone like yourself: Imaginative, Enthusiastic and Sensitive.
You feel unhappy because you feel that you are not able to obtain the co-operation of those around you. All you would like at this time would be to achieve harmony within your circle.
You are being unduly influenced by the situation that is all around you. You do not like the feeling of loneliness and whatever it is that seems to separate you from others. You know that life can be wonderful and you are anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to live it to the full. You therefore resent any restriction or limitations that are being imposed on you and you insist on going it alone.
You need to be needed and would like a situation where you will no longer be subjected to pressures and demands from those about you. There is no harm in 'dreaming' but it is you - and only you - that can be able to realise those dreams and to turn them into reality.
HA! damn...
but check it out
http://www.goldinuniverse.com/ <~~ yea its like that untill i can figure out how to make a link
Name: Aletha
Date: 8/22/2009
Colorgenics Number: 62541307
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You are under considerable stress and you are almost about to 'blow your top' but you are fortunate enough to be able to exert control. Control is the name of the game and it is so good to realise that whatever the situation may be a this time - it will pass. You need to get away from everything for a while and if you do, you will find that, strangely enough, it will seem that most of your problems and situations will seem to wash away, just as the sea may wash away 'footprints' in the sand.
You are looking for something different. Your imagination has been working overtime and you are seeking adventure - and you'd like to share that adventure, the new experience, with someone like yourself: Imaginative, Enthusiastic and Sensitive.
You feel unhappy because you feel that you are not able to obtain the co-operation of those around you. All you would like at this time would be to achieve harmony within your circle.
You are being unduly influenced by the situation that is all around you. You do not like the feeling of loneliness and whatever it is that seems to separate you from others. You know that life can be wonderful and you are anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to live it to the full. You therefore resent any restriction or limitations that are being imposed on you and you insist on going it alone.
You need to be needed and would like a situation where you will no longer be subjected to pressures and demands from those about you. There is no harm in 'dreaming' but it is you - and only you - that can be able to realise those dreams and to turn them into reality.
HA! damn...
Sunday, August 9, 2009
me and my bad english
hmm so this looks like a safe place to store my blogs.. it doesnt look like blogspot is going anywhere anytime soon so yea.. Dont shun me when u see my grammar errors and bad spelling.. actually i dont really care..
Ive been 27 for about 3 months and so far it tastes okay.. meh
this blog is to document my journey, my hobbies, ppl i meet, things i do.. u know regular blog stuff.
there are no morales to my stories.. unless my last blog is like on my death bed or something..
have fun!
~Aletha
Ive been 27 for about 3 months and so far it tastes okay.. meh
this blog is to document my journey, my hobbies, ppl i meet, things i do.. u know regular blog stuff.
there are no morales to my stories.. unless my last blog is like on my death bed or something..
have fun!
~Aletha
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