angry, disappointed, tired

Im Angry,

Im usually a pretty happy person. but tonight..im angry and since everything has built up to the point where i cant sleep or eat. ill blog.

im angry because Im stuck in a city i hate, where segregation is accepted and most of the black folk are brainwashed to be apathetic.

Because this is the city where My father and i came in hopes of a better life...My father is dead now. and i was let go from my dream job.

Because i cant be vunerable to anyone, because misery loves company and the miserable people here would love if i am too so they can suck me into their black hole so they can feel like a bettter friend.

because i have to act like i have it all together so ppl dont see my weakness and feel satisfied that they arent the only fuck ups.

Because my only good friend out here is depressed, and i cant do anything about it.

Because my ex left me and married a clone of me.

and now i pick arguments with the guy i like, because i want him to be more like my ex. and i cant understand why i do it.

Because my mom is getting older and i dont think i can stand to loose another parent.

Because i dont have the energy to do anyting with my home biz. im sleepy or tired all the time as soon as i walk in the door.

.....Im disappointed

in men... and i dont want to be. but its like defending someone that you want to believe is innocent, but everyday proves you wrong.

in christianity, because it just isnt holding water to me anymore.

in good relationships.

in myself..
........Im tired

of being the only optimistic one

of being tired

of this messy apartment

of these wierd dreams

of being different. if i could only make myself think like everyone else and fall in line, life would be much easier. i could be blissful in my ignorance and focus on weave, sex, and going to the club.