i tried to find a happy place..

i tried to find a happy place..
Current mood: bored
Category: Life
SO, its THRUSDAY but i keep thinking its friday..damn

All of my live i feel have been planned. ever since i was a child i kinda had a idea of what i want to do and what i am interested in. i always loves cosmetics and hair "stuff" i loved mixing things togther to see what the outcome would be.in highschool i was in C.A.M.A.S (Cincinnati acadmedy of math and science) i knew i wanted to be a chemical engineer.in college i majored in chemical engineering.. it was hard as hell but the stuborn taurus in me wanted to make it. Since freshmen year i wanted to work in the cosmetic industry and my DREAM JOB was L'Oreal so what did i do? i busted my ass and got the job.. i feel like i worked so hard to get where i am now.. but now that i am here i dont have a clue what to do with the rest of my life.. I always identified myself with where i was going but now that ive reached the point that i wanted to be i am not sure where else to go. dont get me wrong.. im not a top exectuive or C.E.O or anything.. i dont own my own buisness and i am definetely not rich. When i looked into my future ( which is now the present) i imagined myself happy. with a job i love and im financially OK

I am at the point now where i feel like my life is very fuzzy. up untill yesterday i didnt have a clue what i wanted to do withthe rest of my life. I want to have my own buisness but doing what? i want my own line of cosmetice but the economy is so fucked up i doubt i would even get a small buisness loan. I want to go to school but i am not sure if i want to settle down in cleveland or not.. and that leads me to the big question. where do i settle down!? i know i want to leave cleveland.. even though i think ive met a great man and made some great friends but thats a whole nother blog!!!!.. anyway. I want to live in a CITY. im a 24 hour girl and i need access to thing at all times or else i will feel trapped and bored. I need to live somewhere cultured and diverse. and i want to live somewhere where i can be happy. ive been researching cities and i thinkive narrowed it down to 2 places

Atlanta: back to atlanta was a bad idea to me at first.. what if i run into Kurt? that would be a mess.. i would probably make a fool of myself trying to run away and hide. i know that atlanta is a big city and what are the chances of running into my past. but understand my luck...it doesnt last... I lOVE atlanta ilove everything about it but evverything will probably remind me of him. all the places i love to go to ive been with him...it sucks when you let someone have that type of affect over you..damn

Charlotte,NC: I thinki will like this city because its new and upcoming. ive never been there and i dont know a soul there but how is that different from anywhere else ive livesd.. i am used to making friends and living in cities by myself. i think ill have a good time here and if i move here i think ill be here for a while.

My mom wants me to move to new york which is odd because i would of never guessed she would say NY.. any other year i would be all for it but for some reason i am not all excited about it. i guess i grew up a little and i realise that NY is expensive as hell.. and tapped out.. where could i find a quiet little coffee shop to sit an read a mag? i dont know maybe i am not the city girl i thought i was.

overall im scared ..im scared of failure.. i was never scared of failure before..im scared of being unhappy and i am scared of living in a place i hate.. these things ae crucial to me and i am scared that they arnt going to fallinto place. I was NEVER scared of living but honestly..and this may seem wack but its how i feel.. HONESTLY i feel like after my last relationship a piece of my adventurous spirit is gone.. i was adventerous, i was carefree,i didnt have a wall built around me and and now im scared of experienceing hurt again..and i want to do everyting in my power to prevent it..but when will i start living again.. i mean really living and being happy and carefree.. i dont want to live to prevent things.. i dont want that to be my driving force but on the other hand i dont want to get used to it...i guess with every heartbreak some part of you just goes away..

this blog just got depressing.. im ending it